Assisted Dying- my tuppenceworth

I recently wrote to the Joint Committee on Assisted Dying.

Evidence from other jurisdictions; Canada, Belgium – shows thousands have availed of it, so once a law is enacted it is certainly far from rare (witness the abortion referendum).

One point stood out for me when I watched the committee on RTÉ News Now; that of people feeling under pressure to die. That pressure, I know from experience, often comes from oneself.

From the age of 27 for six years I wished I was dead and attempted suicide a number of times. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and am on medication. With mental health services underfunded who is to say that someone who is not well supported would not in addition to feeling suicidal for their own reasons would not also feel society would rather they get off the stage?

Depression also is a terrifying illness, because when you are in it you see no way out. Mentally ill and depressed check into Dignitas as is.

With support, there is no reason for everyone suffering to come through awful times and live life to the full. Mental illness is a sign there is something not right, and when these things are tackled through therapy life is transformed. I sometimes slip back into old thoughts but they are largely transient now. There is life post-mental illness.

I received a reply from most of the committee which I was thankful for, and the Irish Human Rights and Equality Commission (IHREC) who said

…our core advice to the Oireachtas …must be informed by human rights and equality standards, including close consultation with at risk groups. …robust safeguards … to ensure that particular groups are not placed at risk. (My italics – are not we all the risk? Rather like stated fears that AI will discriminate against … that would be all of us!

The ibd, ego, and superego

Trappist monks do not get ulcerative colitis. So it was psychosomatic. A name for distressing symptoms which had been going on for over two years. The top percentile of severity – said the eminent gastroenterologist. I had a serious inflammatory bowel disease – an IBD, not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Disorder, IBS.

My stomach was churning. I was retching. Then I was throwing up. I lost lots of blood each time I went to the toilet – which was a lot. I barely ate and I lost weight (good!). One Tuesday at 8am my mother brought me under protest to A and E. She told me we were doing this the night before. I told her they would send me away and tell her we were wasting their time.

I was very pleased when they stood me on the scales. And needles, or noodles I call them. They said I had no protein in my blood and attached a drip. They said they would put through a sugar solution, then a saline solution, and then they would repeat those steps. I asked them what time I would be getting out so – but they were waiting for a bed on the ward, it was quite serious. But Blessed rest.

After entry needles do not actually hurt. Rectal exam. Vanity of vanities. There was so much blood the first night one nurse thought I was on.

I went down for my first colonoscopy and watched inside me on the screen above my head. On discovering I was awake they shot in more sedation.  They sent me down on the Friday as they feared I had peritonitis and would perish over the weekend!

Then the diagnosis of UC which was a relief, and I learned all about this new disease. The doctor told me not to look it up on the internet; I did – the Americans are fond of removing the bowel or part thereof, with healthcare having financial reward. Despite the best intentions of looking after myself I was hospitalised with a flare up two years later and this time there was no iron in my blood and I had a transfusion. Then a few years of eating so clean I was a nun, during which time I walked for miles and hours across mountains without needing the toilet.

In more recent years when I lost control of my symptoms again I started infusions in the local hospital, every few weeks, of a biosimilar, an immunosuppressant so new and potentially damaging you have to sign a disclaimer to take it. So once again after welcomely losing some weight it started to go back on in spades because it meant the anti-psychotic medication I am on for schizophrenia – another story – was back to being effective.  I battled my weight with each course of steroids prescribed for UC, and got it off, with work, each time. Being on infusions dispenses with the need for steroids. (Being on an immunosuppressant really worried me in the early months of the Pandemic, and I was surprised they continued bringing me in for them during the period. However, the nurses said the consequences of getting Covid 19 during a flare up of UC would be more dangerous.)

I pulled my No Waiting the Bearer Has A Medical Condition and Urgently Requires To Use The Toilet just once, in a very long queue at the Tate. I confess to have used Disabled facilities on occasion if there is no one around. My obsession with toilets began decades earlier than most perhaps although my tea-drinking has now caught up. I am very amused by a letter to Oldie magazine (not mine but much appreciated) in the past couple of years from a former sales rep – he in turn was impressed by an older team member’s attention to detail; a map of his patch showing several red crosses – your clients – the rep supposed – public toilets came the reply.

The NHS website explains ulcerative colitis as:

A long-term condition where the colon and rectum become inflamed.

The colon is the large intestine (bowel) and the rectum is the end of the bowel where poo is stored.

Small ulcers can develop on the colon’s lining, and can bleed and produce pus.

From The Streets to the Streets of New York

It is not just Sure, it wouldn’t do any harm. It is not just I could tell he could barely stand up in his shoes. It is not just The poor wasted face of my father.

The entire last verse gets me in floods of tears every time the Liam Reilly-written Streets of New York-invariably-Wolfe Tones-version is played on radio.

I was really young when I was emigrated – from England to Ireland – in the opposite direction to most then. No goodbye to schoolfriends. The move was sudden and for a long time we thought we were going back to Birmingham (home of the band The Streets if you don’t get my blog title!). And it turned out Ireland just there was split and we were on the edge of it in so many ways.

I thought for a long time I would go back until I realised it would just be equal, but (kind of) opposite heartbreak.

Bye Bye Baby

It was quite poignant that Les McKeown, lead singer of the Bay City Rollers died my birthday week this April. “Bye Bye Baby” was number one when I was born. (You can work it out, I am not going to make it easy for you.)

Another lifetime ago I was out for a rare night out with my aunt Sheila and late Uncle Alan in the Oriel Park lounge. Again, it was my birthday, but I was only in my early twenties. When I told Alan about this hit, the next thing said tune was played by the Deejay. It was very thoughtful of him.

Not everyone knows what was the biggest hit at the time of their birth, but it can be fun to find out. Happily I love “my” song. It was “played” on hospital radio as a request for a fourteen-year-old – in for “a termination” – in an episode of The League of Gentlemen! I am pro-life and found it very amusing.

Moving Things

(This is my piece that appears in Ireland’s Own Anthology 2020, now out of stock.)

As I banged the side of the dusty old bookcase with a broom, holes opened up as if it had been shot with tiny bullets. The books, which had been taken out of it, sat in boxes. There was an Encyclopaedia Britannica, an even more ancient dictionary. Works by Chaucer, Keats. A couple of Enid Blytons. There was no saving the home which had been theirs for fifty, perhaps sixty, years. Woodworm. The little beetles were fatal, uninvited guests.

My grandmother had known about them and she washed the walls and the stairs with poison. Yet decades later they came with the move across the Irish Sea to attempt to infest, afresh, a new young bungalow.

Over the years two faiths united and the family moved to a wetter island. I was then eight, and the bookcase linked the present with the past. We referred often to the dictionary or the encyclopaedia; this was well before the internet. Feefo, Tuppeny and Jinx; I was too old in my teens to be reading about goblins. Exotic and thrilling stories of boarding schools; the pleasures of finding out that girls in my class also wished to be in boarding school, for the midnight feasts. One could dream! Envying unchaperoned adventures – on more than one occasion it prompted us to buy a tent, but sleeping out in the back garden seemed less fun than The Famous Five had had in rural, war-time and post-war England.

We were putting down a new, wooden floor in the sitting room. The bookcase had stood in a corner, largely undisturbed for decades. Occasionally a large-bodied spider had crawled out from behind it sending a chill through whichever arachnophobe happened to be watching.

Time to let go. The bookcase would be chopped up and left to merge into an Irish field. It had already begun as two pieces. Wide drawers with a drop-leaf, and affixed atop, shelves fronted by two glass doors. I kept the key, which is big and heavy.

I turned my attention to the other antique furniture, dating from even earlier ancestry. The Singer sewing machine was a present from a young man to his fiancée on the occasion of her 21st birthday, already second-hand by their time – the Boer War. Most of them these days have had their mechanism taken off and turned into tables used in pubs, but although this one works now, it is not in immediate danger of being used by the present owners! It did not have woodworm, and so received a stay of execution. Did he go to war, this ancestral fiancé? Did she make clothes to earn a living? Some things to ask the elders… Not sure the gift of husbandry would be appreciated the same way these days… Now it is the perfect repository for photographs in frames.

The radiogram had only worked once in my living memory. It contained the one record, “My Boy Lollipop,” by Millie Small, and my mother played it to me when I was about five. I had danced around to it in delight. Willing it to work is not the same as making it work, and so it became an ornament. There is a larger record collection in a drop-leaf cabinet: Several Classical albums and Gilbert and Sullivans; a very scratched, due to childish mishandling, Planxty. “Painless Childbirth,” also badly scratched (I may have wished to prevent more siblings to compete with), and, incongruously, a Celtic FC album, marking the occasion of their winning the European Cup. Joining these are a bunch of 45s from the 1960s – Beatles, Tremeloes, Neil Sedaka – and a golden age of instrumentals: Themes to “633 Squadron,” “A Summer Place,” “The Magnificent Seven,” “Apache” by The Shadows – my favourite here is “Telstar” by The Tornados. The tragedy behind it and its haunting sound combine to give me goose bumps. A cleaning fit had resulted in the sleeves of these records being removed and thrown out long ago, which I find a pity.

These are the memories of things, things that provide a line through a century, the line between families on the same tree, a line between nations. There is faith as solid as their furniture in the one half of my ancestry, matched only by the straightforward Mass-going faith of the other. When I was very small an uncle asked me if I were Irish or English. I had not known that I was expected to choose! 

“I suppose,” I said, and wondered if this were going to be acceptable; “that I am half-Irish and half-English.” Some describe this identity as “Irish Sea.” I have crossed those choppy waters many times, with safe passage provided by the God of my forebears.

Ruffles!

The medical trials of Ruffles Part One:

She would make a lovely therapy dog, but she is untrained. They bring them into hospitals and nursing homes. She was named for a shop in the North where my mother used to go on holiday. Ruffles, a black and white collie-springer cross. She has a loving soul. She is twelve. When she was eleven she nearly died. She suddenly started throwing up all over the house. Mom rang the vets, who told her to bring her in straightaway. She was to be kept in overnight.

I found out about it remotely, from where I was in my flat. I prayed the Rosary. I made up a little song and communicated it to her telepathically. I would not see her until the morrow. It was a refrain, “I love you,” repeated over and over. Just three notes. I prayed, again. There had been slight blue casts in her eyes for a couple of years, since she had started to get older. I could see them when they caught the sun.

Next day I accompanied my mother to the vet. Acute kidney failure. Suspect Lepto. Nothing could be done, but the kind lady vet flushed her kidneys. With readings like that, they do not recover. Do you see how the whites of her eyes are red? The dog panted hard. Take her home for the weekend, spoil her. I expect to see her on Monday. But if you should need to bring her in sooner, I am on the telephone.

A friend sent Reiki healing. This little dog touched several people. She lay on the sofa with her red eyes, and panting. She would not eat or drink. We felt that she may expire before morning. However next morning she wanted a drink of water, and then she wanted to come on a little walk. Then we tried her with a few nuts. Within a week or two she was as bright as a button. We took her to the vet then for a verdict: a surprise recovery.

Well we prayed, said mom. I flushed out her kidneys, said the vet.

The medical trials of Ruffles Part Two:

In her first year Ruffles had her first brush. She was hit by a van on Christmas Eve. Mom saw it happen. The young man was apologetic. She had just run out. Mom brought her to the vets in town. Her pelvis was broken in three places. She had a few days in animal hospital. We went to visit her on St Stephen’s Day. When she saw us, in her efforts to reach for us she fell out of the opened cage. We caressed her and told her we loved her. She came home with a big wire cage rented from the vet. She lived in it in the utility room for a few weeks. Initially she had a plastic collar. It reminded me of the Famous Five adventure where Timmy had a big collar. We made a wheelbarrow of her and a towel to get her outside when needed. The towel held up her back legs and she could still use her front ones.

We knew she was better the first day she launched herself at the settee and managed to get on. Now that she is twelve she does not always manage it first time. One two three we say. Onetwothree. They said that she would get arthritis eventually as a result of the breaks in her chassis.

St Alban the Martyr

I have blogged about my Irish grandparents so for balance, a few words inspired by my English ones, Alice and Len Foulger.

I recently attended Mass with my mother, on Zoom, at St Alban the Martyr, in the ecclesiastical parish of St. Alban and St. Patrick, Highgate, Birmingham. This meant a lot to me as my grandparents are buried there, under the church. Len was in their church choir for sixty years. His brother Ralph was also in the choir, as was my uncle Steve. My grandparents were remembered at the Mass, for All Souls Day, as well as Ralph and his wife, Maud.

St Alban’s was founded by (my inverted commas) “a pair of Pollocks” in the 19th Century – James and Thomas Pollock, brothers of Irish extraction. It is a Grade II* listed Parish Church of St. Alban the Martyr (listed building ID 1290539), a Victorian Gothic masterpiece of architect John Loughborough Pearson.

Happily, I was present in person, with my family at the 150th anniversary Mass of the foundation of the church in 2016. It was also the anniversary of St Alban, England’s protomartyr.

Alice Bosworth and Leonard Foulger on their wedding day.

Lockdown in Dundalk

I have just submitted a Covid Diary online to Louth County Council Archive. Here is an extract:

Late March
There is a big tree enclosed far behind a fence with a notice attached from the council: This mature Horse Chestnut is diseased, and we are trying different treatments before we would give up on it. We want children to refrain from playing on the tree, as it is not safe. The tree is like the rest of us in the park: giving a wide berth. It has tested positive. I pray it can be saved. It has been there a long time. I wonder if even it will outlive me, now. I never thought I would be facing my mortality at this age (the Bay City Rollers were at number one when I was born). There are other trees which are still a little stark. The grass here is dark green. There are yellow daffodils and yellow celandines. And painted in yellow on the ground at the gates, arrows marking 2 meters. (St Helena Park).

Here is where you can donate your own diary:

https://www.louthcoco.ie/en/services/archives/our-louth-diary-project/

Belfast Child

A recent visit to the Titanic Experience in Belfast offered food for thought. My grandparents Anne and Johnny moved from Liverpool to Belfast during the Second World War to escape the bombs! The move was prompted because, on their way to the air-raid shelter, my toddler Aunt Mary was blown out of my grandfather’s arms.

Johnny got a job in Harland and Wolff. He must have made a convincing Protestant, because he worked there for five years. One day his friend spotted that he had a white cross, drawn in chalk, on the back of his coat. So the family relocated again, to County Louth, and his homeplace between Hackballscross and Inniskeen.

The Titanic showed that during the 1940s H & W specialised in building warships. We do not actually know what job Johnny had there.

My father was born in Belfast. At one point my grandmother was making two trips a day on the train to Éire, with tea secreted about the person of her infant child. Rationing was in place. This was just the start of his smuggling career. As a child he graduated to bringing across butter from South Armagh on a bicycle. But that is for another story.

Harland & Wolff 1861 – 2019

Nan Callan & John Martin on their wedding day